Don't Ever Have Kids
by seriousblahblah
Summary: Sirius and Hermione are exhausted parents but still try to make time for love...when not being pranked by their own kids or blacklisted by babysitters. Sirmione fluff.
1. Don't Ever Have Kids

Prompts: [Yultide Gauntlet, _Frigg_ \- Write about a marriage.] [Chapter title prompt: A Good Night's Work] [Without challenge: Tired ] [Warning: for slight cynicism.]

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 **Don't Ever Have Kids.**

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a/n: Unless, of course, it just happens.

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Hermione lay back on the sofa and let out a loud exhale of utter, complete exhaustion. Her hair— which, god bless her genetics, was usually already messy and bushy—looked like it had been through a wind turbine and had skittles and gummies stuck into it (probably as another joke of James Jr. who liked to stick things in her hair). Meanwhile, her back and neck were sore, her arms and legs ached from chasing rampaging toddlers all day and after baby Sirius Jr. had cried and whined all last night, she also had bags under her eyes.

"Fuck me, remind me again why we had kids," Sirius said as he sat down beside her on the sofa with an equally exhausted sigh. Sirius also had baby vomit on his shirt and, while handsome and in great shape for his age, looked like his tiny Marauder Junior kids were driving him up the wall too. James Jr. and Sirius Jr. were just much too energetic and much too much like their troublemaker father. Mia Black, their daughter, was also as much a handful and willing to create as much havoc to keep up with her brothers.

Sirius and Hermione both sighed and laid their heads back on the sofa, savouring this brief, single moment of silence and tranquillity. It had been a long day of toddler and diaper hell.

"They're finally in bed," Hermione whispered. She was close to tears because her headache could finally go away now but she was too exhausted to actually enjoy it.

Sirius stretched out his long legs onto their coffee table and tried to look alluringly at his wife. But really he was just too exhausted to try to seduce her either.

"I know. We can actually have some free time together," he said.

"Yeah, imagine that," Hermione said and swiped the baby vomit off Sirius's shirt by waving her wand. _"Us_ time."

"Thank god." Sirius moaned and rubbed at his sore eyes, which were still red from baby James swiping shampoo and soapy water in his eyes as he tried to bathe the little tike."We're so damn lucky!"

"Yes, very lucky," Hermione yawned. "Other parents can barely keep up with their kids and handle the responsibility."

"Yes, and we haven't lost the spark either, we still make plenty of time for us!"

"Of course, I can't get enough of you, we still make plenty of time for sex," Hermione agreed wholeheartedly with her husband.

"Yes, plenty of times. We should do it right now," Sirius yawned and tried to grope her breast through her sweater but he was so exhausted and sleepy that he missed and groped the sofa instead before starting to drift off. His head fell onto her lap.

"Yes, we should," Hermione patted Sirius's head, combing her fingers through his silky, long hair. Hermione exhaled another yawn and snuggled closer into the sofa and Sirius's warm chest . "I'm in the mood now, really," she whispered as she leaned into his body, laying beside him on their large, goose-feather sofa. "We have everything we need, we have a very good life..." Hermione rambled on, barely aware of what she was saying anymore. She could just feel the weight from her shoulders and pressure from her headache disappearing as she closed her eyes.

"Thank god, we still have a sex life, kitten," Sirius moaned from his state of half-sleep and half-awake.

"Yes, thank goodness," Hermione agreed and kissed him on the cheek.

They then proceeded to fall asleep and Hermione and Sirius were both snoring by the time James Jr. and Sirius Jr. decided to crawl out of their respective cribs and head downstairs to cause more mischief and mayhem.

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They never did get around to having another kid that night, and, thank Merlin, because they already had three and those three were complete rascals. And _Marauders._

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a/n: Moral of the story: never name your kids after the Marauders, because you can bet they're just going to be troublemakers and little berks like their namessakes. Just kidding, I love the marauders :)...although I do think McGonagall and others probably got a few extra grey hairs while dealing with their antics. happy new year! :D Make sure you make a list of specific goals and resolutions and try to keep the list somewhere where you see it everyday, like on your dresser, phone or fridge. It's easy to lose aim of goals unless you're reminded daily.


	2. How to Get Rid of Your Kids (sarcasm)

Drabble. Sequel. Fluff that's so fluffy it could be marshmallow clouds. THANK YOU for reviewing! =)

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 **How To Get Rid of Your Kids (Not Really)**

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"Can we get rid of them?" Sirius asked, half serious and half joking. They were both staring at a cookie cupboard their marauder kids had raided and trashed like a bunch of pirates. Leaving crumbs and empty packages of sweets on the kitchen floor. Their kids were supposed to be in bed asleep hours ago, not raiding the kitchen on midnight romps.

"No, they're definitely ours." Hermione bit at her lip. "Besides, who would want them? Not Harry or Ginny."

"Good point." Sirius scratched at his stubbly jawline. "There is also the thing about how much we bloody love them." Truth be told, he would probably have a heart attack if so much as a hair went missing from their heads.

Hermione yawned at the late hour and nodded. "Can't live with them, can't live without them." She exhaled. "Right, you grab your wand and clean up this mess—and try to put wards on the cookie jar next time so they can't get into it. I'll see to upstairs and make sure Sirius and James Junior go to bed."

"What about Mia?" Sirius asked, waving his wand to vacuum up some cheerios.

"She's a daddy's girl. You take care of her and make sure her nappies are changed."

Sirius groaned. "Oh bloody nappies, well, of course, I'm the father and she's the daddy's girl when she's got poop in her diapers! Because then dad's got to take care of his girl's doo-doo!" His handsome face scowled in disgust.

Hermione threw the diaper bag at him. "The longer you talk about it, the longer it will take." She pulled at her long hair and brought it up into a messy bun on the top of her head. "Now I'm going to see about those two boys."

"Rascals, more like," Sirius muttered.

"Well, I'll give them a good talking to," Hermione said sharply.

"Good." Sirius watched her hips as she walked out of the kitchen.

Bloody twenty days! Their life as a couple was nearly dead, extinct and buried at this point.

Sirius wasn't sure how much more he could take. Sometimes he had the urge to just curl up in a ball as Padfoot and not do anything and nap cozily by the fireplace...until his kids would inevitably find him and start to play with the 'doggy' and pull at Padfoot's ears and tail. He couldn't even relax as a dog. At least in Azkaban, the dementors left him alone when he was a dog...but his kids were there 24/7 for the rest of his foreseeable life...unless they somehow packaged their kids into a box and sent them to Florida...

Sirius moaned, "Oh, to be a bachelor again!"

"I heard that," Hermione said as she returned to grab some towels.

"Sorry, I was kidding." Sirius grinned, flashing her a brilliant smile.

"I'm sure you were."

~o~

After cleaning up the kitchen and eating a few of the unstolen cookies, Sirius wandered up to find his baby girl, Mia, in her diapers, giggling and appearing very stinky with what seemed to be chocolate smudges on her pudgy cheeks.

"Were you in on the raid too?"

Mia gurgled and waved her tiny hands towards him. "Da-doo!"

Sirius chuckled. "That's right your da-doo is here." He sniffed the pungent air. "Dammit, you soiled your diapers, didn't you?"

Mia nodded eagerly and jumped up and down on her little feet. "Da! Da! Doo! Poo!"

Despite how stinky and tired the whole situation was (being up at 3 am to change nappies), Sirius felt his heart melt at once. It was true—as Mia's bright, large silver eyes stared up at him adoringly—she was a daddy's girl and loved him the most of probably all souls and creatures on planet earth.

"Awww my Mia-Pia," he cooed.

Suddenly he didn't care that she smelled like a stinky goblin's old sock. His Mia was cute as a button and was the splitting image of her daddy. Daddy's girl indeed: Mia had gotten his own silver eyes and dark hair but with her mum's cute, round expressive face.

She was perfect.

And currently had a diaper full of shit to be cleaned out.

"Does Mia-Pia, Daddy's little Pie, want the nappy changed? Huh? Huh?" he asked in a singing voice and tickled her little feet.

Mia giggled and gurgled. "Da-doo clean poopy!"

Sirius scooped her up into his arms and carried her to the changing table. "Er, yes, Daddy is the poop-cleaner," Sirius said somewhat bitterly. "Ever since your mother forbid getting any house-elves because she calls it slave labour and elitist! Bloody crazy woman your mother is. But beautiful. Like you."

Mia giggled.

Sirius nearly suffocated as he changed the diaper—apparently, the broccoli and carrot puree earlier had not gone down well—but his fatherly heart still melted as Mia smiled adoringly up at him. She was truly the cutest baby ever and completely sweet as a radish.

"You really love me, don't you?" He smiled and swung little Mia up into his arms again, with her clean nappies. "Boop!" He booped her nose and she laughed even more cutely, a bit like a giddy squirrel with chubby cheeks. "Aren't you the sweetest thing ever?" Sirius cooed happily.

"Dadoooo!"

Sirius chuckled at the munchkin's antics. Mia truly made the cutest sounds. He was smiling again as he carried her down in his arms to the boy's rooms to see what Hermione was up to.

He took one look in. James and Sirius Junior were jumping and flying up from their beds while doing wandless, natural magic. Hermione was jumping up and down trying to catch her 'boys' like flies from the ceiling.

"Sirius, help me!" Hermione was sweating as she tried to catch them in her arms again. "These two refuse to get off the ceiling and go to bed!"

"Maybe you should strap them in with duct tape," Sirius suggested, patting Mia's warm back in her pink, fuzzy pajamas.

"No use!" Hermione called back. "Already tried duct tape."

"Hmmm...well maybe a few invisible rope or ward spells will keep them in bed, it's what Filch used to use on James and me in detention."

"Great idea!" Hermione called back, still trying to unstick James Jr. from the ceiling, who had somehow made himself stick like a spider or piece of velcro, all the while grinning, hollering and telling jokes with his twin brother. "Do you want to help?"

Sirius looked between his perfect, smiling princess Mia and the two Marauders stuck to the ceiling and flying all over the place like they had rocket launchers coming out of their cabooses.

"No, it's alright, they're more your 'boys'. I'll spend more time with Daddy's girl. Might read her a story..." He yawned sleepily and tried to get out of the room while there was still a chance.

"Sirius, get back in here!"

~O~


	3. How to Ship Your Kids

~o~

How To Ship Your Kids

~o~

It was well past their bedtimes by the time Hermione and Sirius finally slung exhausted into their king-sized bed. Outside their window, their lawn was lit up with little glow-in-the-dark gnomes.

Sirius let out a huge yawn and Hermione sighed as she cuddled up to him. Sirius lay flat on his back while Hermione was curled up on her side with her head on Sirius's shoulder. It was their favourite position lately...because they never had enough energy...or time...or privacy to try any other sexual position. So they had their "cuddling" position they did together before they both drifted off to sleep.

Sirius reached for his wife's hand. Even though they were too pooped and not in the mood after diapers and baby vomit to have anything romantic going on, Sirius still appreciated just holding his wife's hand and admiring the shapely woman he chose to spend his life with. It was good that she still worked out and made an effort to pretty up herself up every so often...even though they didn't make do. Sirius almost felt bad for the number of times they tried to go out and Hermione actually came out dressed to the nines yet something with the kids came up and they ended up doing what they did every night. Babysitting. Their own kids. It never seemed to end!

 _Maybe it'll get better,_ Sirius thought, _once the kids are all over 5 years old. Then they'll be like little adults and can wipe their own arses._

"What are you thinking?" Hermione murmured, her eyes half shut.

Sirius thought better than sharing what he thought of their kids. He didn't want to offend her.

Sirius stroked her hair before looking up at the ceiling. "Just how wonderful our kids are, love." He smirked.

Hermione laughed. "Now I know you were thinking the opposite." She scratched at her nose. "Though truth be told, I know how happy you are to be a dad. You have a glow in your eyes, that you didn't have after Azkaban. They restored you in some way."

"You're right. I know they do," Sirius agreed. Though mentally he added: _I just wish they didn't kill our love life, kitten. That also gave me a glow in my eyes._

"We need to get out more," he said instead. "Take us out places, like we used to at the beginning. Keep things fresh and sexy." He was thinking of getting the old motorbike and leather jackets out.

Hermione nodded drowsily. "Just as soon as Mia is potty trained, we won't have to worry nights anymore. Then we'll go out." She yawned.

"That's a few more months, at least!" Sirius whined throatily. "I can't wait that long!"

"Don't suggest we get a house-elf again. You know I'm against nanny-elves."

"I know, even though it's _how_ I grew up," Sirius rolled his eyes.

"And look how fine you turned out," Hermione added.

"Yes, how fine I did turn out!" Sirius shot back.

"Whatever."

Sirius held her hand tighter in his. "Why don't we just get a babysitter?"

"You mean Ginny? Because last I heard from her, her exact words were, 'Don't ever let your kids anywhere near our house again'."

"Is she really still upset James Jr. tried to burn down her house?"

"Apparently."

"What a spoil-sport."

"I know. It wasn't even their worst behavior."

"Exactly. Harry's already forgiven us and Sirius Jr. is the one that wrecked all his prized quidditch equipment and trophies."

Both parents sighed. "The nerve of some people! After everything we've done for Ginny and Harry!"

"I know, I swam across a sea for him!"

"I broke into Gringotts and rode a dragon for him. Plus, I had to fight against Voldemort every few years while growing up. I even helped save Ginny's life in second year!"

"Okay, that's hard to beat," Sirius admitted defeat. "Do you think we could coax a muggle babysitter to have a go?"

Hermione shook her head. "It probably wouldn't be responsible, or any bit ethical. They would have no idea what they were stepping into or any way to protect themselves against our children's magic."

Sirius moaned. "BUT no one in the wizarding world wants to do it! We're blacklisted in every babysitting agency!" He had a sudden brilliant idea. "What about your parents?"

"Nope. They still think they're Wendell and Monica Wilkins in Austrialia."

"You're a wicked witch! I can't believe you did that to your own parents!" Sirius slapped his forehead. "I should've thought of that and done it to my own parents ages ago! Walburga would've loved thinking she was a muggle."

Hermione held back a smirk. "Sirius, unlike you, no mischief was involved. I did what I had to do to keep them safe and alive. Unfortunately, those type of memory charms are dangerous to reverse, so it's probably best not to meddle with my parent's minds again."

"Remind me to never get on your cross side. You are a thoroughly underhanded..and _sexy_ witch."

"You should see what I did to the reporter who crossed me."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "You're scaring me." He meant it.

Hermione let out a laugh, "Oh please, as if you're not much better yourself, Mr. Let's-Almost-let-Snape-be-killed-by-a-werewolf. And I have no doubt you committed a whole litany of other pranks verging on crimes while you were at Hogwarts."

"No wonder our kids are evil witches and wizards," the proud father concluded.

"Oh yes, but thoroughly adorable."

"Of course, they have OUR looks! How could they be anything less than handsome and pretty little devils in disguise."

"I love our kids."

"I do too."

"I love you."

"I love you."

~o~

 _Three weeks later..._

"Yes, I have your booking for Mr. and Mrs. Black," the hotel receptionist said as she slid forward the keycards across the marble desk. Outside, palm trees and blue skies shimmered with the wafts of exotic orchids.

The attractive couple in matching black shirts and glasses stepped forward to claim their reservation.

The man's face broadened while his wife leaned forward to press a peck onto his cheek.

"So how are you two enjoying your stay in Hawaii?" the receptionist asked. She couldn't help notice how much in love the couple was...and how handsome the man was.

The couple both grinned and held hands.

"Oh, absolutely loving it."

"No kids?"

They both laughed again. This time a bit too giddily...and way too long. The receptionist started to blink nervously at the couple.

"Oh nothing," the woman of the couple assured them. "We're just so glad to leave our kids behind."

"Oh, are the in-laws taking care of them?" the receptionist smiled.

The man chuckled. "You could say that."

~o~

 _Meanwhile, 1000s of miles away in Britain..._

"Harry, I don't remember ordering this package," Ginny said.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Sirius said he was going to send over some things of his and we were to take care of them."

"Harry, did he make you take an unbreakable oath before saying so?"

"Actually, he did. I don't know why he insisted but Sirius seemed to think the contents of the box were extremely precious and I would die if anything happened to them. How would you know that?"

Ginny's cheeks became a vivid shade of red. "I think I just figured out what Sirius shipped us." She took out her wand and started to sweat in panic as she approached the lid of the box. "I don't think we're going to get any rest this weekend."

The lid of the box flung open.

Harry and Ginny both screamed in fright.

"AUNTIE GINN'Y AND UNCLE 'ARRY!"

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A/N: Happy Father's day! Please do not ship any children or small animals in boxes. If you want to laugh at a really silly, stupid movie, please watch "Bad Grandpa" where the grandfather tries to mail his grandson in a FedEd box to Florida so he doesn't have to drive him. Very silly humour, obviously not realistic but I loved that movie


	4. Honeymoon in Hawaii

a/n: felt bad for Hermione and Sirius, so added this happier ending :)

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~O~

Honeymoon in Hawaii

~O~

"This was the most brilliant idea ever," Hermione said as she placed kisses along Sirius's throat. His own hands were tangled in Hermione's hair before one slipped and his thumb played with the soft skin between her stomach and thighs.

They had spent all day in bed, not doing much, and they had even gone to the beach yet.

"I know, I can't keep my hands off you, pet," Sirius insisted while Hermione couldn't agree more. She promptly wrapped her legs around Sirius's waist and he pulled their bodies both down again.

Sirius and Hermione laughed as they crashed into their king-sized bed together.

Their hotel room was a orderly, neat and luxurious suite overlooking the beach below. Palm trees and exotic birds surrounded the beautiful vista outside and filled the air with humid, rich, earthy atmosphere. The Hawaiian island truly felt, smelt, tasted and looked like paradise. It was also miles away from their messy, child-toy-littered suburban home in England.

Sirius puckered little kisses and nibbled down Hermione's neck and chest, leaving wet red marks, until he reached his part.

She staggered to keep control as he drew soft little circles around her breasts.

"Do we have to go back?" Hermione whined as she gripped onto Sirius's thighs for support.

"Not at all, Harry and Ginny can raise them," Sirius said in between mouthfuls.

"I was kidding!" Hermione said and pulled away from him.

She sat cross legged in front of him and met his eyes. His thighs were still on other side of her and he sat up on his elbows to look at her full frontal.

"Sirius, I missed this part of us," she admitted, almost guiltily.

"Didn't I tell you?" Sirius raised his brows.

"I know, I know, you kept saying it and you were right. Though I hate to admit it."

"Hermione, I want this to be part of our lives again."

"I know."

"I love our kids, more than life itself, you know I would sacrifice anything for them. I love them so much, Mia and James Jr and S.J.. But I love us too. I miss this."

"I miss it too," Hermione sighed and lay back down beside Sirius. She breathed out deeply and pondered how she could enjoy just being naked beside Sirius even when they weren't doing anything. In the moments in between, cuddling mattered as much. Though she did enjoy the parts in between, where they did a whole lot more aerobic exercise than cuddling.

"So what do you say?" Sirius prompted, his hand on her bottom. He gave it a light squeeze.

"What do you want me to say, that we come to Hawaii every weekend and leave the kids at Ginny's and Harry's? You know that's not possible." She laughed humorously. "By now they've figured out not to accept any mysterious packages from us."

"We could always temporarily transfigure them as flowerpots or dogs..."

"Be serious! It was bad enough that I let you do that box thing. You know how worried I was until I got the spell telling us Ginny and Harry had safely opened it."

"I'm not an idiot, 'Mione. It's not like I didn't put a whole bunch of protection spells on the box, plus an unbreakable vow."

"I know." She yawned. It was Saturday but they'd have to go back tomorrow night to pick up their kids and greet an angry Ginny and Harry. "Still it wasn't a parent-of-the-year moment."

Sirius placed his hand on her stomach. "Why don't we at least consider getting the nanny-elf?"

"Sirius, you know..."

"I know. But not all house-elves are slaves. Some are freelancing. We'd free the elf and she'd be self-employed. We'd give her wages. Don't you think that would be a good idea?"

There were some things about the wizarding world, that coming from a muggle background, Hermione couldn't quite wrap her head around.

"It wasn't weird for you, growing up with a house-elf for a nanny? They're not human."

Sirius shook his head. "Now who's prejudiced? Not _human_?"

"That's not what I meant!" Hermione felt her cheeks blush. "I'm not prejudiced, I want equal rights for elves. It just seems so different to raise kids that way."

"Well, hadn't you thought, it might actually serve to benefit our kids to grow up with an equal magical creature they can respect and trust? To teach them equal rights by seeing it first hand?"

"I hadn't thought of that. Dobby liked being free. I trusted Dobby and if he were still around, I wish he could have helped us. But he's not anymore and not all house-elves are the same. I would never let Kreacher anywhere near our kids."

Sirius snorted. "Neither would I. I wouldn't trust him with a pet hamster of ours, let alone our brood."

"Do you know of any elves we could trust and who would want to both be freed and work for us?"

"I think I can ask Minnie if she knows someone well suited." Sirius grabbed her hand. "Hey, this elf will be part of our family. Free and independent to quit if they choose, but I'd like to think we're bringing in someone like an aunt or uncle who'll be happy to look after our brood on weekends. Is that alright with you, pet?"

She grinned and leaned forward for a kiss. "I think so."

"Good. It's settled then," Sirius declared with a smirk in his grey eyes. "Portkeys to Hawaii every weekend!"

"That's if our nanny-elf agrees to it, she might want a weekend off to herself too! She'll set her own hours. At least I'll make sure of it, and paid vacation and sick leave, I don't want us to take advantage of our elf! It has to be equal."

"Hermione, shut up and kiss me, we don't even have a nanny elf yet and you're already calculating her paid vacations for Merlin's sake."

"I just want to make sure everything's fair and sorted."

Sirius grabbed her hand. "The only thing that needs to be fair and sorted is you and me. Now let me make love to you!"

Her legs kicked into the air as Sirius jumped on top of her and then they were soon rocking away blissfully with Hermione's legs wrapped securely around his waist.

"Don't stop, don't stop,"

"Oh god, Sirius, I love you so much," Hermione couldn't help moaning.

"Show me, show me how much,"

His teeth suck into her neck and gave her a love bite just as he deepened his thrust.

"Give me your ...MERLIN!"

Outside their hotel balcony, a canary bird sang a tune of pure beauty as all nature seemed alive. Later that night, they would go for a skinny dip under the moonlight. It was a Honeymoon period all over again.

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The End...or not

~o~

 _Three months later..._

Hermione eyes widened. Uh oh. Not again.

But then she checked her wand and did the spell again. Oh, yes, definitely, she could feel the changes in her body and well the spell just confirmed it. The spell was infallible.

She went to find Sirius.

Sirius was sitting on the armchair by the fire, bouncing Mia on his knee while James and Sirius Junior played happily together on the floor. The wafts of homemade food came from the kitchen where their nanny-elf Laurie was making dinner. Laurie was a treat and the kids loved her. Hermione also made sure to insist Laurie take time off, including some weekends. Though it didn't change the fact that Sirius and her now had much more time to get off and away for alone time...which was why they were in this mess again.

"Sirius, could I have a word with you?" Hermione asked.

"Sure, hun," he lifted little Mia off his knee and set her down besides her brothers before giving her a kiss on the head. "Aren't you so glad we have Laurie? Our life is so much easier now."

"Yes, it is." Still she did not smile.

"What is it?" Sirius asked as he skipped over to his wife, who had her arms crossed.

Hermione bit her lip, and wordlessly, showed him her wand. "It's just this. Look."

She repeated the spell and its results. Her wand flared yellow before turning a vivid red and sparkles flew out of the wand in the shape of pink butterflies and a stork carrying a package wrapped in a rosy blanket.

"No, it can't be―"

"I don't understand it either," Hermione shook her head and sighed.

"We used every protection!" Sirius said.

"I know," Hermione conceded. "I even put extra protection spells on the protection you used."

"Then how?"

Sirius Junior and James Junior began to laugh in the background like they knew what had happened.

Hermione tried to think back. Then it dawned on her. "Oh no, I think it might've been that time that James Jr and S.J. got into my pill and potions drawer. It's possible they might've scrambled around the labels."

"How could those boys have gotten into the drawer, it was locked!"

"Sirius, you're going to be a father!"

"Again?!"

.

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THE END!


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